So it has been a bit since I posted. For only getting a mild chemo, it kicked my ass.
I dreaded Monday's because I knew my day would consist of getting my radiation, then going upstairs to get pricked in the chest (my port location), blood work, and then the chemo. I had come to notice that about half way through the chemo treatment, I would feel like I was going to throw up. It became protocol to have the second round of nausea medicine ready for me & have it administered through the I.V.. I don't care much for the saline that they have to flush me with either, it leaves the nastiest taste in the back of my throat. Thankfully, there is always some type of candy to suck on to help distract my taste buds. The one week, I was in a ton of pain from the radiation (I will get into that later), and the drug that they gave me made me throw up violently. I could feel the medicine enter my system, it rushed over me, and I felt high. Feeling no pain, I decided to take a nap. I was woken up to violent stomach cramps and I could feel that familiar lump in the back of my throat. I motioned to Steve to get me one of the green puke baggies, and began a good 10 minutes of puking and dry heaving. IT.SUCKED. I hated going so much that I felt sick just walking into the hospital, and after just getting blood work done, I threw up. My brain had me all out of sorts. Everything about that place made me sick, the sights, the sterile smell... I was so happy when my 5th, and what I thought was my final treatment, happened. I rang the bell, cried, and was so relieved that it was over!
The next Monday, the oncologist's office called and wanted to know why I had missed my last treatment. This was news to me, and I was pissed! Here the doctor's office scheduled a 6th treatment, and NEVER told me. Nice... So I went back the following Monday and got my last treatment, and rang the bell again.
The radiation wasn't bad at first. I remember my first day, I changed and then sat in the patient only waiting area, waiting to hear them call me back to the treatment area. I sat and played games on my phone, trying to pass the time when I heard my name called. I looked up, and one of the girls had come out to get me. I followed her back, scared and afraid. I felt like a child, I just wanted Steve there to hold my hand and tell me that it was going to be okay. Once we got back to the computer station/ entry way to the private room, I was told that every day I would need to show them my I.D. bracelet, tell them my name, and what area was being treated. I got my name out no problem, but once I had to say that I had cancer, I broke down in tears. The girl gave me a big hug and told me it would be okay. Then I was taken into the room, made to lie flat on my back on a cold, and hard metal table, while the machine whirled around me. Just two rotations, and I was a free woman. Each day it was the same routine, although I had made friends with a few of the girls, who were all super sweet, so I tended to change up my routine a bit. When giving my name, I often told them I was Helen Mirren, or some other random person, just to get a laugh. Being goofy/ a smartass was my way of coping, and if it gets a laugh, that just makes it better. As the weeks of radiation went on, the side effects started to appear. I was getting darker skin across my pelvic area, and I developed horrible gut cramps. It felt like I constantly needed to use the bathroom, and it was very painful. The thing is, I felt like that all the time, regardless of actually needing to use the bathroom or not, and nothing the doctor gave me seemed to make a difference. It became difficult to walk without being hunched over and holding my abdomen in pain. I walked like a little old lady for weeks, between the chemo and the radiation, I have never felt more physically beaten up. Finally, the last day of radiation came around, I got a certificate of completion, and walked out with a big smile on my face. I did it! I made it through weeks of agonizing pain, throwing up, being hungry but not being able to eat anything other than jell-o and soup, exhaustion, fear, and so many other things. I. DID. IT! I was so proud of myself, it felt great to know I was done!! It took another two or three weeks before I was able to eat regularly, and for the side effects from radiation to subside, but I could feel myself getting stronger daily.
I spent the next few weeks enjoying eating, having energy to spend on my kids and hubby, and just relaxing. I had my first oncologist appointment not long after, where we talked about getting a CAT Scan to see what was going on. I tried not to dwell on the scan, and just enjoy each day. That worked until two days before the scan, nerves got the best of me, and all I could do was think. I thought way too much, my brain would not shut the hell up! All I wanted to do at night was sleep, and my brain was going a mile a minute. On top of the general thoughts that had been filling my head, I was not looking forward to needing to do more chemo. My oncologist had told me because my cancer's return was aggressive, even if the scan came back clean, he wanted to do 4 more rounds as a precaution. Oh, and I was also going to lose my hair this time. I know that may not seem like the end of the world, but it sure as hell is a hard pill to swallow.
Since I was going to lose my hair anyway, I decided to dye it rainbow colors, what the hell, right?! I actually LOVE IT! I am really sad to see it go!
Fast forward to June 13th, it is time for my scan. I remember praying while the scan was going on, begging God (as I did every night) to please let me be cancer free. I have WAY to much to live for, and I wasn't ready to die. I mean, it is what it is, if it is His will, I cannot change it, but I just wasn't going to go without a fight.
Fast forward another week, and myself, Steve, our kids, my dad & step mom, are all sitting in the doctor's exam room, impatiently, waiting for him to enter. He came in, said hello to everyone, looked at me, and with a smile on his face, told me that he had good news. He said there were no signs of cancer, and that the treatments had worked!!! Calmness, joy, and excitement rushed over me. I felt like I could fly. Everyone (minus the kids) started crying, this was indeed amazing news. I took a minute to say a silent prayer, thanking God for healing me. I looked at my kids, I get to be here to watch them grow up, see them to their first day of school, and seeing all the the other important milestones that will happen in their lives. Only sucky news was that he still wanted to do the extra chemo treatments. DAMN!
After the doctor left the room, everyone took turns giving me hugs, I don't think my dad wanted to let go.
As soon as the love fest was over, I went out and got scheduled for my next 3 out of 4 chemo treatments. In addition to these chemo's, I will also have to go back the day after to get a shot to help boost my immune system. These shots will continue for up to 15 months.
Here I sit, ready to start the next round of chemo in just 2 days. As much as I am not looking forward to doing this, I know it needs to be done. I need to take every step that I can to make sure I am here for a very long time. I also made the decision during my first rounds of chemo weeks ago, that if I had to get more, and hair loss was in my future, I wanted to shave it off before it fell out. I can't imagine waking up to a pillow covered in my hair, or washing it in the shower and having a clump in my hands. Not only would that mess me up, but I think it would freak out the kids a bit too. With a lump in my throat, I had asked my best friend to shave my head if it was needed. She stayed silent on the other end, I know fighting back tears and emotions of her own, but said that she would do it. I made the choice to shave my head before chemo starts. I was told that by the second treatment, it would start to fall out, so I figured I would go bald before I started treatment. Therefore, tonight, is my last night with hair. Tomorrow my mom will sit with the kids, while I go over to my girlfriend's mom's house (she is a hair dresser), and with my two best friends, and great supporters there, we will shave my head. It still seems weird to think about, and I am trying not to over think it, but tomorrow is it. There is no turning back. I have some wigs that I ordered, bandanas, hats, and scarves, ready for me. I also have an appointment at a salon to get fitted and get a nice, good quality wig as well.
As I sit here tonight thinking about how much has changed in one years time, it blows me away. Exactly one year ago today, I was diagnosed with cancer. Then I lost my grandmother passed away, two weeks later, I had my hysterectomy. The recovery sucked, and there were complications that took time to get better. Found out I had cancer again, and kicked it's ass again! Now on our 5 year wedding anniversary, I can sit and smile, knowing that I am strong, and will get through whatever life throws at me. I am going to enjoy my last night with hair, and try to get some rest before Monday comes around.
I dreaded Monday's because I knew my day would consist of getting my radiation, then going upstairs to get pricked in the chest (my port location), blood work, and then the chemo. I had come to notice that about half way through the chemo treatment, I would feel like I was going to throw up. It became protocol to have the second round of nausea medicine ready for me & have it administered through the I.V.. I don't care much for the saline that they have to flush me with either, it leaves the nastiest taste in the back of my throat. Thankfully, there is always some type of candy to suck on to help distract my taste buds. The one week, I was in a ton of pain from the radiation (I will get into that later), and the drug that they gave me made me throw up violently. I could feel the medicine enter my system, it rushed over me, and I felt high. Feeling no pain, I decided to take a nap. I was woken up to violent stomach cramps and I could feel that familiar lump in the back of my throat. I motioned to Steve to get me one of the green puke baggies, and began a good 10 minutes of puking and dry heaving. IT.SUCKED. I hated going so much that I felt sick just walking into the hospital, and after just getting blood work done, I threw up. My brain had me all out of sorts. Everything about that place made me sick, the sights, the sterile smell... I was so happy when my 5th, and what I thought was my final treatment, happened. I rang the bell, cried, and was so relieved that it was over!
The next Monday, the oncologist's office called and wanted to know why I had missed my last treatment. This was news to me, and I was pissed! Here the doctor's office scheduled a 6th treatment, and NEVER told me. Nice... So I went back the following Monday and got my last treatment, and rang the bell again.
The radiation wasn't bad at first. I remember my first day, I changed and then sat in the patient only waiting area, waiting to hear them call me back to the treatment area. I sat and played games on my phone, trying to pass the time when I heard my name called. I looked up, and one of the girls had come out to get me. I followed her back, scared and afraid. I felt like a child, I just wanted Steve there to hold my hand and tell me that it was going to be okay. Once we got back to the computer station/ entry way to the private room, I was told that every day I would need to show them my I.D. bracelet, tell them my name, and what area was being treated. I got my name out no problem, but once I had to say that I had cancer, I broke down in tears. The girl gave me a big hug and told me it would be okay. Then I was taken into the room, made to lie flat on my back on a cold, and hard metal table, while the machine whirled around me. Just two rotations, and I was a free woman. Each day it was the same routine, although I had made friends with a few of the girls, who were all super sweet, so I tended to change up my routine a bit. When giving my name, I often told them I was Helen Mirren, or some other random person, just to get a laugh. Being goofy/ a smartass was my way of coping, and if it gets a laugh, that just makes it better. As the weeks of radiation went on, the side effects started to appear. I was getting darker skin across my pelvic area, and I developed horrible gut cramps. It felt like I constantly needed to use the bathroom, and it was very painful. The thing is, I felt like that all the time, regardless of actually needing to use the bathroom or not, and nothing the doctor gave me seemed to make a difference. It became difficult to walk without being hunched over and holding my abdomen in pain. I walked like a little old lady for weeks, between the chemo and the radiation, I have never felt more physically beaten up. Finally, the last day of radiation came around, I got a certificate of completion, and walked out with a big smile on my face. I did it! I made it through weeks of agonizing pain, throwing up, being hungry but not being able to eat anything other than jell-o and soup, exhaustion, fear, and so many other things. I. DID. IT! I was so proud of myself, it felt great to know I was done!! It took another two or three weeks before I was able to eat regularly, and for the side effects from radiation to subside, but I could feel myself getting stronger daily.
I spent the next few weeks enjoying eating, having energy to spend on my kids and hubby, and just relaxing. I had my first oncologist appointment not long after, where we talked about getting a CAT Scan to see what was going on. I tried not to dwell on the scan, and just enjoy each day. That worked until two days before the scan, nerves got the best of me, and all I could do was think. I thought way too much, my brain would not shut the hell up! All I wanted to do at night was sleep, and my brain was going a mile a minute. On top of the general thoughts that had been filling my head, I was not looking forward to needing to do more chemo. My oncologist had told me because my cancer's return was aggressive, even if the scan came back clean, he wanted to do 4 more rounds as a precaution. Oh, and I was also going to lose my hair this time. I know that may not seem like the end of the world, but it sure as hell is a hard pill to swallow.
Since I was going to lose my hair anyway, I decided to dye it rainbow colors, what the hell, right?! I actually LOVE IT! I am really sad to see it go!
Fast forward to June 13th, it is time for my scan. I remember praying while the scan was going on, begging God (as I did every night) to please let me be cancer free. I have WAY to much to live for, and I wasn't ready to die. I mean, it is what it is, if it is His will, I cannot change it, but I just wasn't going to go without a fight.
Fast forward another week, and myself, Steve, our kids, my dad & step mom, are all sitting in the doctor's exam room, impatiently, waiting for him to enter. He came in, said hello to everyone, looked at me, and with a smile on his face, told me that he had good news. He said there were no signs of cancer, and that the treatments had worked!!! Calmness, joy, and excitement rushed over me. I felt like I could fly. Everyone (minus the kids) started crying, this was indeed amazing news. I took a minute to say a silent prayer, thanking God for healing me. I looked at my kids, I get to be here to watch them grow up, see them to their first day of school, and seeing all the the other important milestones that will happen in their lives. Only sucky news was that he still wanted to do the extra chemo treatments. DAMN!
After the doctor left the room, everyone took turns giving me hugs, I don't think my dad wanted to let go.
As soon as the love fest was over, I went out and got scheduled for my next 3 out of 4 chemo treatments. In addition to these chemo's, I will also have to go back the day after to get a shot to help boost my immune system. These shots will continue for up to 15 months.
Here I sit, ready to start the next round of chemo in just 2 days. As much as I am not looking forward to doing this, I know it needs to be done. I need to take every step that I can to make sure I am here for a very long time. I also made the decision during my first rounds of chemo weeks ago, that if I had to get more, and hair loss was in my future, I wanted to shave it off before it fell out. I can't imagine waking up to a pillow covered in my hair, or washing it in the shower and having a clump in my hands. Not only would that mess me up, but I think it would freak out the kids a bit too. With a lump in my throat, I had asked my best friend to shave my head if it was needed. She stayed silent on the other end, I know fighting back tears and emotions of her own, but said that she would do it. I made the choice to shave my head before chemo starts. I was told that by the second treatment, it would start to fall out, so I figured I would go bald before I started treatment. Therefore, tonight, is my last night with hair. Tomorrow my mom will sit with the kids, while I go over to my girlfriend's mom's house (she is a hair dresser), and with my two best friends, and great supporters there, we will shave my head. It still seems weird to think about, and I am trying not to over think it, but tomorrow is it. There is no turning back. I have some wigs that I ordered, bandanas, hats, and scarves, ready for me. I also have an appointment at a salon to get fitted and get a nice, good quality wig as well.
As I sit here tonight thinking about how much has changed in one years time, it blows me away. Exactly one year ago today, I was diagnosed with cancer. Then I lost my grandmother passed away, two weeks later, I had my hysterectomy. The recovery sucked, and there were complications that took time to get better. Found out I had cancer again, and kicked it's ass again! Now on our 5 year wedding anniversary, I can sit and smile, knowing that I am strong, and will get through whatever life throws at me. I am going to enjoy my last night with hair, and try to get some rest before Monday comes around.