I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I knew that today was going to be rough, but I had no idea how much. I had to take a sleeping pill just to make it through the night. I woke up earlier than usual today, way before my alarm was set to go off. The kids were up soon after, so we cuddled in bed and watched cartoons for a bit. We came downstairs and had breakfast. I knew that my mom would be over soon, but I just couldn't find the motivation to get my ass in gear. When she got here, I was still in my pajamas. I had initially planned on being gone shortly after she arrived, but that didn't happen. I finally got myself together, said my good bye's, shared an extra long hug with my mom, and headed out the door.
I stopped to get gas, and made my way to Whitehall. It was nice to blast some music and roll every window all the way down without worrying about the kids being in the car. For once the radio station I had on actually played a few good songs in a row, made my ride a bit more enjoyable.
I pulled into the parking lot in front of the pool at the housing complex. My best friend met me at the gate. I hadn't seen her since before my treatments had started, so of course the first thing she mentioned was how skinny I was. We walked over to the chairs, sat down with her twin sister, my other best friend, and talked. It had been a long time since the three of us had been together. It was amazing to just sit and chat with them. After a quick dip in the pool, and some more chatting, we packed up and headed back to the house. We ate lunch while my niece got her hair cut. I tried not thinking about the fact that I was next in that chair. My husband stopped by with lunch and some rum & juice for us. After we all had a few sips of our drinks, it was my turn in the chair.
I had been fighting back the urge to cry since I woke up, and I could feel the tears building in my eyes. Tashia looked at me and asked if I was ready, she could see by the look on my face that I wasn't. I sucked it up and went over to sit in the chair. Keshia was going to cut my hair first, and then buzz it. I gave her a hair tie, as she tied my hair back, we laughed because the tie was small, and she was killing me from all the hair yanking she was doing. She threw the cape around me, and I closed my eyes. I tried to brace myself and stay calm. I cringed when I heard the familiar sound of scissors. I could feel her cutting through my hair. Every time the scissors cut, I felt the tears trying to escape. I opened my eyes, looked at Tashia, who was just staring at me, and I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. They started pouring down my face, and she quickly came over and hugged me. She kept telling me that it was okay, it will grow back, and that I was still beautiful. I tried to get it together because my niece was there, and I didn't want to freak her out. I smiled at her and told her I was okay, she still wasn't sure though. I watched the puzzled look on her face as her mom brought the clippers to my head. She had already been told what was going on and what was going to happen, but that is still a lot for a kid to take in.
The clippers came to life, and I could hear them getting closer. I reminded Keshia that I wanted her to start by shaving just the side of my head, so I could see what I looked like with the new, and incredibly odd, fashion trend. As the buzzing got closer, I closed my eyes again. The vibration was now against my head, and I held my breath to fight back the tears. After about a minute, she stopped. Tashia took my picture and showed it to me. I can now say without a shadow of a doubt, that this look was not for me!! We laughed for a minute and then Keshia shaved the other side. We joked around a bit, took another picture, and made celebrity comparisons. It really did help to get my mind off the task at hand. She went back to shaving, and I kept telling myself to be strong, and that I needed to do this for myself, and my family. I needed these next few chemo treatments to make sure this cancer NEVER came back. I had already been through the hard stuff, this will be a piece of cake. I made sure that I didn't cry, because I had to be strong. Before I knew it, she was done.
I threw a towel over my head, and we went outside to warm up, it was freezing inside her mom's house! After a few minutes we went inside, and I went into the bathroom. I stared at myself with the towel on for a minute, and braced myself. I slowly pulled the towel back, revealing my short, black stubble. The towel was now around my shoulders, and I stared at the person in the mirror. She looked so different, so sad. I couldn't hold back anymore, and there in the privacy of the bathroom, I let my tears flow. I could not believe that this was me. I looked so different, so unattractive. I turned my head from side to side, I still have a few colorful patches from my rainbow locks that were now in a Ziplock bag. I took my hand and ran it over the top of my head. I was familiar with the fuzzy feeling because of my husband's short hair, but on me, this was an all new feeling. I looked at myself for another minute, really staring at my reflection. Then I dried my tears and went back out to the girls. I went to my bag and got the cap that my mom had bought for me, and slipped it on. I sat for a few minutes to get my composure back. We all said our good bye's, and I was on my way home.
I blasted the radio again on the way home, and again, it must have known what I needed to hear. I pulled up out front, and everyone was waiting for me. I came in, and got the biggest hug from my mom. My kids looked at the cap on my head with confusion. They knew why I had been gone, I think they were expecting me to come back without the cap. We ate, and then my mom went home. While Steve walked her out, Gio came up to me and asked if he could see my head. I reluctantly took the cap off. I watched him look at my head, he ran his hand across it, which triggered more tears, and then told me I looked like daddy. While this was semi funny, it was also a painful reminder that my long, beautiful hair, was gone. It does make me feel less feminine, and I hate that. I put the cap back on, and went upstairs. I had to wash my head, there was still a ton of little hairs that were on my scalp from earlier. I grabbed the shampoo and washed my head in the sink, something I was never able to do before. After I was done, I grabbed the towel, rubbed it across my head a few times, and presto, I was dry. It felt odd to not comb my hair, a habit that has been in place since I can remember. I stared at myself some more, I need to get used to seeing myself this way. I need to come to terms with the fact that I am still the same person I was yesterday, and that my hair, or lack of, does not define me.
I came downstairs and finally revealed myself to Steve. This was something that I was dreading. I know how much he loves me, that has never been a question, but would he still find me attractive. I can barely stand to look at myself, how was he going to react?! I came over to the couch where he was sitting, and he had me sit down next to him. He pulled me close, put his arms around me, and just held me. He let me cry, and told me that he loved me very much, it didn't matter if I had hair or not. I was still his beautiful wife, and he still thought I was attractive. I felt so comforted and loved, all the stress of the day just seemed to melt away in his arms. His love means everything to me. Without him, I could not have made it this far. He keeps me going, and when I don't have the strength, he is strong enough for the both of us. I know that I say it often, but I could not have asked for a better husband.
It is still going to take some time to get used to the breeze I now feel, and the soft, fuzzy feeling I get when rubbing my hand across my head, but I made it through the day. I know the days to come will be easier, and I do have some pretty awesome colored wigs to wear until my hair grows back in. I am already thinking of different styles and colors to do once I am able. For now, I need to get the kids ready for bed, and get to sleep myself. Tomorrow starts another round of chemo, and another week of ensuring that I will be cancer free.
I stopped to get gas, and made my way to Whitehall. It was nice to blast some music and roll every window all the way down without worrying about the kids being in the car. For once the radio station I had on actually played a few good songs in a row, made my ride a bit more enjoyable.
I pulled into the parking lot in front of the pool at the housing complex. My best friend met me at the gate. I hadn't seen her since before my treatments had started, so of course the first thing she mentioned was how skinny I was. We walked over to the chairs, sat down with her twin sister, my other best friend, and talked. It had been a long time since the three of us had been together. It was amazing to just sit and chat with them. After a quick dip in the pool, and some more chatting, we packed up and headed back to the house. We ate lunch while my niece got her hair cut. I tried not thinking about the fact that I was next in that chair. My husband stopped by with lunch and some rum & juice for us. After we all had a few sips of our drinks, it was my turn in the chair.
I had been fighting back the urge to cry since I woke up, and I could feel the tears building in my eyes. Tashia looked at me and asked if I was ready, she could see by the look on my face that I wasn't. I sucked it up and went over to sit in the chair. Keshia was going to cut my hair first, and then buzz it. I gave her a hair tie, as she tied my hair back, we laughed because the tie was small, and she was killing me from all the hair yanking she was doing. She threw the cape around me, and I closed my eyes. I tried to brace myself and stay calm. I cringed when I heard the familiar sound of scissors. I could feel her cutting through my hair. Every time the scissors cut, I felt the tears trying to escape. I opened my eyes, looked at Tashia, who was just staring at me, and I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. They started pouring down my face, and she quickly came over and hugged me. She kept telling me that it was okay, it will grow back, and that I was still beautiful. I tried to get it together because my niece was there, and I didn't want to freak her out. I smiled at her and told her I was okay, she still wasn't sure though. I watched the puzzled look on her face as her mom brought the clippers to my head. She had already been told what was going on and what was going to happen, but that is still a lot for a kid to take in.
The clippers came to life, and I could hear them getting closer. I reminded Keshia that I wanted her to start by shaving just the side of my head, so I could see what I looked like with the new, and incredibly odd, fashion trend. As the buzzing got closer, I closed my eyes again. The vibration was now against my head, and I held my breath to fight back the tears. After about a minute, she stopped. Tashia took my picture and showed it to me. I can now say without a shadow of a doubt, that this look was not for me!! We laughed for a minute and then Keshia shaved the other side. We joked around a bit, took another picture, and made celebrity comparisons. It really did help to get my mind off the task at hand. She went back to shaving, and I kept telling myself to be strong, and that I needed to do this for myself, and my family. I needed these next few chemo treatments to make sure this cancer NEVER came back. I had already been through the hard stuff, this will be a piece of cake. I made sure that I didn't cry, because I had to be strong. Before I knew it, she was done.
I threw a towel over my head, and we went outside to warm up, it was freezing inside her mom's house! After a few minutes we went inside, and I went into the bathroom. I stared at myself with the towel on for a minute, and braced myself. I slowly pulled the towel back, revealing my short, black stubble. The towel was now around my shoulders, and I stared at the person in the mirror. She looked so different, so sad. I couldn't hold back anymore, and there in the privacy of the bathroom, I let my tears flow. I could not believe that this was me. I looked so different, so unattractive. I turned my head from side to side, I still have a few colorful patches from my rainbow locks that were now in a Ziplock bag. I took my hand and ran it over the top of my head. I was familiar with the fuzzy feeling because of my husband's short hair, but on me, this was an all new feeling. I looked at myself for another minute, really staring at my reflection. Then I dried my tears and went back out to the girls. I went to my bag and got the cap that my mom had bought for me, and slipped it on. I sat for a few minutes to get my composure back. We all said our good bye's, and I was on my way home.
I blasted the radio again on the way home, and again, it must have known what I needed to hear. I pulled up out front, and everyone was waiting for me. I came in, and got the biggest hug from my mom. My kids looked at the cap on my head with confusion. They knew why I had been gone, I think they were expecting me to come back without the cap. We ate, and then my mom went home. While Steve walked her out, Gio came up to me and asked if he could see my head. I reluctantly took the cap off. I watched him look at my head, he ran his hand across it, which triggered more tears, and then told me I looked like daddy. While this was semi funny, it was also a painful reminder that my long, beautiful hair, was gone. It does make me feel less feminine, and I hate that. I put the cap back on, and went upstairs. I had to wash my head, there was still a ton of little hairs that were on my scalp from earlier. I grabbed the shampoo and washed my head in the sink, something I was never able to do before. After I was done, I grabbed the towel, rubbed it across my head a few times, and presto, I was dry. It felt odd to not comb my hair, a habit that has been in place since I can remember. I stared at myself some more, I need to get used to seeing myself this way. I need to come to terms with the fact that I am still the same person I was yesterday, and that my hair, or lack of, does not define me.
I came downstairs and finally revealed myself to Steve. This was something that I was dreading. I know how much he loves me, that has never been a question, but would he still find me attractive. I can barely stand to look at myself, how was he going to react?! I came over to the couch where he was sitting, and he had me sit down next to him. He pulled me close, put his arms around me, and just held me. He let me cry, and told me that he loved me very much, it didn't matter if I had hair or not. I was still his beautiful wife, and he still thought I was attractive. I felt so comforted and loved, all the stress of the day just seemed to melt away in his arms. His love means everything to me. Without him, I could not have made it this far. He keeps me going, and when I don't have the strength, he is strong enough for the both of us. I know that I say it often, but I could not have asked for a better husband.
It is still going to take some time to get used to the breeze I now feel, and the soft, fuzzy feeling I get when rubbing my hand across my head, but I made it through the day. I know the days to come will be easier, and I do have some pretty awesome colored wigs to wear until my hair grows back in. I am already thinking of different styles and colors to do once I am able. For now, I need to get the kids ready for bed, and get to sleep myself. Tomorrow starts another round of chemo, and another week of ensuring that I will be cancer free.